Saturday, 30 June 2007

Too Many Slaps Affect the Brain

After several rehearsals and getting well into the whole wedding excitement, i've come to the conclusion that weddings are a fantastic occasion for everyone except the bride and groom as they have to spend the whole day panicking.

Indeed, the run up to the wedding can also be very a painful experience. Imagine the chafing when Lisa Riley - an ex-emmerdale Dingle - tried to squeeze into her dress and wished she hadn't ate that last twix.

To be honest for me to get married in the future they are gonna have to come up with some new ideas. Yes i could get married dressed as a hobbit or some idiot out of star trek (no offence star trek fans but it is an idiot show, how can you fancy a klingon?) or even make the bride wear a giant hotdog costume and i could come as a burger - but this stuff just doesn't excite me.

So i've decided when i get married i went to be wearing a pair of nikes and, like Jack, a cool all in one tracksuit. The bride can wear whatever she likes as long as she arrives on the back of a rhino, or i'll settle for a donkey with fake antlers.

I don't ask for much but how about instead of a church, they let me get married in a police phone booth with the vicar dressed like doctor who, and the face of bo as best man - that would be a laugh.

I had a mate called Brian and he was in love with a stuffed beaver. You may laugh but a stuffed beaver is a lot more interesting company than, let's say, George Bush or Ant and Dec.

Now Brian loved his beaver and named it after Norb the Angry Beaver, but one day something tragic happened - thieves broke in and stole the beaver and held it hostage. They phoned Brian and told him he had to pay £12.50 to have it returned.

Brian was mortified as he had to wait two weeks for his giro before getting his beloved soulmate back. Thankfully they got married last week at the same place Madonna married that Guy Richie fella. The last i heard they were sunning it up in Hawaii drinking coconut punch through a straw.

So i think it's obvious what the moral of the story is here - true love conquers all.

I've had a good time doing Hearts & Minds and don't think the knock out blows from Caroline, Sue and Becky have affected me one bit. If anything this whole experience has made me a stronger person - i don't even have nightmares about the happy one from the seven dwarves anymore.


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